Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
