Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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