The maid of honor just puked.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
