i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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