Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
