Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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