thanks...oh and i got my period
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
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As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.