nut hugger
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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