3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
