This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
