when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
