Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
