if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
