I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
