dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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