bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
