god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
