so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
