I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
