i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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