Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
