when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
