Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
