just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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