If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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