On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My breath smells like gin and sadness
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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