Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you traded sex for a burrito?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
