laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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