That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
