My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
