i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
