They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
