You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
