I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
