don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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