In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50