please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city