38 yer olds are good kisserssss
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
