all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
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I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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