I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
