i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
