you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
