margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
