Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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