I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
