onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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