you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
