i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The air taste purple.
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