If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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