My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
