I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
