i already hear my dad disowning me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
