I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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