Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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