She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
