Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
