My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
