Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
