happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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