Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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