Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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