I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
